I'm disappointed. Truly disappointed. In fact, Eclipse is probably the most disappointing movie I've seen all year. But not because I thought it was going to be good. I was expecting the same amount of unintentional hilarity that I received in the first two. Those movies were epic in their ability to play a staring game with the audience that ended with me losing every time in a fit of laughter.
But this one, Eclipse, dare I say it, wasn't terrible. Of course, about half the movie was terrible The entire love triangle is forced, cliched and without any merit whatsoever. Taylor Lautner is clearly spending more time in the gym than in acting classes since his performance is bizarrely getting worse. Unlike child actors such as Daniel Radcliffe, who has upped his game with each successive Harry Potter movie, Lautner seems content with the same smug delivery of every single line he has. Granted, it doesn't help that he has lines like "Once you imprint on someone, gravity is no longer holding you to the earth. All that matters is the other person." No, Jacob. It's still gravity. You're not orbiting around this other woman you fall in love with. And while I'm being nitpicky, he also mentions that he "could care less" about something that Edward does. It's couldn't. "Couldn't care less." It's good to see that in all the people that wrote, directed, and acted that line, nobody questioned it's accuracy.
The whole "I love you more than him." followed by the "No, I love you more!" is incredibly tired at this point that I just wanted to knock all of them out. Yet, despite the origins of this story as the brainchild of a Mormon housewife, I really felt like there was going to be some werewolf-vampire-human action going on at certain points. The fact remains that there is a heavy homoerotic undercurrent that runs through the whole movie. You absolutely cannot take a group of feral forest men who walk around shirtless and in jean shorts and not see gayness. You can't. It may have worked in the books, but it doesn't work on screen.
But what's better is that now we have female werewolves who have no problem staying completely clothed. What's with the double standard? Shouldn't the female werewolves be walking around without their tops on at least? Or not full shirts, even. How about some sort of bikini top? If you're going to make the case for werewolf outerwear, at least be consistent.
The thing that really made this whole operation completely bizarre, and this might be a mild spoiler for those of you who haven't read the book, but Edward's admission that he's a virgin. Over 100 years old and a virgin? Because you wanted to wait until you were married? I mean, come on dude. Even your SIBLINGS are doing it with each other. Granted, they're not blood related but the world kind of sees them as siblings. You have no problem with them creeping out the world, being technically dead, and you can't at least find yourself a steady relationship with another vampire or something? Then again, maybe if he wasn't squinting all the time people wouldn't think he has heartburn. It was only when he met another person with an equally heartburned look on her face that he felt truly at home.
What truly gets me about the whole love triangle is the way in which these two men literally let Bella do whatever the hell she wants and get away with it. It really doesn't matter what she does, she has both of these men so whipped that they wouldn't even think about looking at another woman. Unlike her, who has no problem jerking both of them around. (Albeit metaphorically, since there will be none of that in this movie.) At the same time, she reacts rather nonchalantly to their creepy, stalker like tendencies, all under the guise of "we're protecting you." Hey, gentlemen out there reading this. Try that out for yourself. See how it works out. I'm pretty sure it won't. And will end up with a restraining order.
But when the movie wasn't being bogged down by the incessant garbage of their personal lives, there were some rather entertaining moments to be had. Director David Slade seems to have understood that the tone of the first two movies was completely off and in turn has lightened things up significantly. No longer did I feel the fate of the world depended on the ridiculous feelings of these characters. There was instead a real, quantifiable threat and a villain whose motives were clear, if not slightly two dimensional. Effort was made to flesh out a few of the background characters, some of which came across as rather campy. (Because apparently in the 1920s, guys got drunk on street corners and sexually assaulted their girlfriends while spouting off completely ridiculous lines.)
The effects were also leaps and bounds over the first two movies. They were missing crazy monkey climbing, but they replaced it with some rather graceful fight scenes and a level of brutality that was completely unexpected despite the lack of blood. The action was surprisingly sufficient and was definitely more entertaining than I would have thought. Bella was also far less awkward and instead of just waiting around for things to happen to her, actually has glimmers of being proactive. She hasn't quite made it yet, but she really is in danger of becoming an honest to God character at some point. As it stands she's still essentially an empty shell with two guys who fawn over her every movie and an army of vampires wants to kill. Oh, such difficult lives most 17 year olds lead. But I was surprised that they even attempted to bring into question the choices she's made in her life in an attempt to reflect on what it means to make the right choice. Of course, most of that is abandoned in favor of "what makes me the most awesomest", but it was nice to see at least an attempt.
If all this seems like damning with faint praise, well, it is. The movie isn't very good. But it's not that bad either. The unintentionally hilarious moments were dialed down quite a bit (unfortunately) and a sense of fun was raised in its place. It's still not worth selling out twenty theaters of a midnight showing. Nevertheless, I found myself mildly entertained by several parts and that at least didn't make it a complete waste of my time.
GRADE: C+
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